The Question

Hi again WordPress readers, weather has been changing rapidly these days, kinda chill… I wish I am sitting near a fireplace, enjoying a cup of hot coffee, listening to relaxing Celtic music, with snow outside, a breeze of chill wind through the windows crack, reading a good book as well.

How are you guys doing? I’m doing fine…

Actually, I’m not.. Love sick, heartache, still got the flu, got a bunch of assignments and projects need to be handled these 2 weeks. Been tired and sleepy as well..

I miss her… She is traveling to London right now as her birthday present. And Wintersport in January. She is having a great time. I’m glad. But, I’m very sad as well.. I wish I could be with her. As her mirror soul, I should be there, but nothing I can do. I hate myself for that.

Few days ago, I popped “The Question” to her, unofficially.. She said Yes. Only if I can move to the Netherlands and if she is single by then. Nothing is impossible right? Save enough money, and right timing…

I am happy and miserable at the same time. What am I suppose to do now? Wait? I think she might get married by the time I get there.. What am I suppose to do then? I guess, moving to UK to pursuit our dreams alone… We could be happy though if we are together.

My mind is very messy right now. A part of me telling me to let go. A part of me telling me to go for it. It is painful to think of something like this. At this moment, she is all over my mind. I can’t think of anything else. I know this has to be stop. But, since when love is logical anyway. I’m in love with a person that I shouldn’t. This is the price I have to pay for. This is not fair as well. For once, I finally found what most people won’t be able to find for the rest of their lives. A true soulmate. And yet life loves to make a joke out of it. Wrong place wrong time.

I hate keep thinking these things all over again. It is heartbreak and painful. I hate keep whining about this thing here over and over again. But it is also the only way to keep myself from emotions breakdown again.

Yes, I have emotions breakdown often, I have clinical depression, anxiety and other psychological issues. No I’m not crazy.. But the depression makes me a pessimistic person. I tried not to, I’ve been dealing with this for the past 11 months… People still see me as a normal person elsewhere. They have no idea what I’ve been through…

I occasionally have breakdowns at night, I have insomnia.. I sleep 2-4 hours per day. I cry at night. Act normal at day. I’m tired…

The only ways I’m dealing with this, is music, a bit of gaming, and a bit of TV series (mainly Supernatural). Unfortunately, music brings out memories. Too tired to game. And too depressed to watch any TV series. A few close friends of mine suggest me to see a professional psychiatrist. Too expensive for me though… I’ve been feeling lonely than ever in my life right now.

Well.. I’m always alone.. and unloved as well. Not even my parents. I was physically and mentally abused when I was a kid. My dad hit me everyday, and mentally abuse me with all his efforts. My mom just stood there, never really helped. My brother doesn’t care much except his career as a professional gamer. My parents never really said they love me, nor really care. All they want is me following every steps they want me to be. I’m like a piece of chess on their board. I don’t really have friends. I try to keep a distance from people. Probably because I changed school so often that I don’t want to keep meeting new people. Trying even more to stay away from girls. I had too many unsuccessful relationships. Nothing really turns out good at last.

Judit, the girl from Netherlands, my soulmate, is the last girl I will ever in love with. I’m done after this. I’d rather be alone from then. It’s been too many drama so far. There’s a saying, there’s only one soulmate in your life, the rest are playmates. I’ve found my soulmate. It’s more than enough.. I’ve never really introduce her to you guys, haven’t I. Maybe I’ll write a post all about her next time.

Even though I’d rather be alone, I hate being lonely… This is the problem of clinical depression and anxiety. I like gazing at stars at night, don’t even need to speak a single words, just sit there for hours. Enjoying the views, and just listen to the sound of nature. With someone I love. It seems hard to achieve right now..

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me with all these stupid issues I’m having right now. Thanks for listening and reading my problems. This is my only way to talk about my problems. Have a great day my fellow readers.

 

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About Royce

A person who likes to think and think a lot... I like hanging out at places that is peaceful and quiet(which helps thinking). I draw and I write blogs occasionally. Feel free to look around in my little world. You might find something you like!
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4 Responses to The Question

  1. Monique says:

    Wow. Lots of anxiety read about here. You are your own soulmate, find happiness being alone and your life will change forever.

    Like

    • Royce says:

      Wish it was that easy… But it’s hard when you love someone so much..

      Like

      • Monique says:

        It is easy when you love yourself, to find someone deserving of your love. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • Royce says:

        She deserves it.. But at the wrong place wrong time.. I’m so depressed about this. Wish I could make things right, but it takes time. It would be really worth it if it worked out fine. But it’s a huge gamble.. I can’t feel love to anyone except her. I don’t know what to do. I guess I need to wait for time to prove itself.

        Like

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